alias_sqbr

I've started being able to (a) figure out and (b) tell people when I am having a Bad Words moment that makes it hard to express myself. It's really great! My natural tendency is to just sit there feeling paralysed and guilty and self conscious, having a simple script/phrase I can say without having to come up with something original really helps and half the time helps unblock me enough to think of words to express what I wanted to say in the first place, or at least a gesture towards it, with less worry that the other person will take any simpleness/curtness as rudeness or indifference etc.

I am having a moderately bad word day today, but not to the extent of being totally inarticulate, I just have to express myself more simply (at least it feels simpler in my head, I'm not sure how it comes across from the outside). It's very weird to know I don't always feel this way but still be unable to access the parts of my brain which add humourous/articulate flourishes etc. But I don't need those for this post.

I'm not even that fatigued today, just overwhelmed by a bunch of stressful things I have made the considered decision to avoid thinking about until I have had a few days without new stressful things.

Anyway. Hooray for self knowledge and expression, including expressing my inability to express myself.

(haa...ok, I was able to write this post without too much trouble, but thinking about tags is hurting my brain. This'll do)

This is a presumably totally benign brain thing, but I'm curious if it's a known phenomenon, and googling just got me stuff about half-awake people hallucinating music, which is the opposite thing.

So. The other day I had a nap while the computer beside me was playing music fairly loudly. The cycle was I would sleep for a bit, lay half asleep vaguely pondering things, lay awake with my eyes closed vaguely pondering things, and then fall back asleep.

The half-asleep and awake parts were mostly pretty similar except for how repeatedly, as I 'woke up', I would suddenly go from not hearing any music and having forgotten the music playing was even a thing, to a sudden jarring awareness of the loud music beside me, as if it had just been turned on. And then I would go "oh wait that was always on, that's so weird I couldn't hear it and forgot it was even there" and then I would fall back asleep and the cycle would happen again. I may have had a "half asleep and not hearing music" phase as I fell back asleep, too, but have no way to know.

I have had a great many intermittent naps while music was playing in my life and can't remember ever having experienced this before, it was very odd. It wasn't the music itself changing or waking me since the awareness would kick in mid-song. And it was otherwise a totally unremarkable nap.

I'm guessing it's the audial equivalent of sleep paralysis, where the part of my brain responsible for making sure I don't respond to sound while asleep hadn't quite turned off yet. I've never actually experienced sleep paralysis but have experienced other odd half-asleep phenomena.

Anyway! That was my odd brain experience. I will probably be appalling at replying to comments but at least I have documented it now!

Does anyone else have this? I've had it since I was a kid but only as an adult have I started being able to remember any of the 'truth' while awake.

The two times it happens are when I'm just about to fall asleep, and when I'm just waking up, especially if it's in the middle of the night. Either way, I suddenly 'remember' something VERY IMPORTANT that I had COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN, and know I only remember when I'm half-asleep, so it's important I wake up and deal with it!!!

...and then either I fall fully asleep, or I wake up enough to go "wtf that's not a thing" and then it generally evaporates and I forget I was even worried about it.

(I think I might have posted about this before? I can't remember, lol)
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I try and mention any significant health stuff outside my health filter, and this is definitely significant. It's the worst anxiety and depression I've had while medicated, maybe even the worst since I started getting treatment 10 years ago.
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1. ENERGY!!
2. WHO NEEDS SLEEP!!
3. OH NO CAN'T SLEEP EVERYTHING IS TERRIFYING
4. Why is my back itchy all of a sudden?
5. THIS PERSON IS WRONG ON THE INTERNET AND I WILL ARGUE WITH THEM UNTIL THEY SEE SENSE
6. *flop*

Did not manage to stop myself indulging in stage 5 this morning, when I woke up after like 4 hours sleep and checked discord. I hope I'm not going to regret this later /o\

(They really were very wrong though)

The weird thing is that this time I didn't forget them, but maybe I missed putting the psych med in yesterday's box? Or...it just randomly didn't work??

Anyway, time to keep myself busy, away from argumentative people, until stage six kicks in.

Me: Hmm. I've run out of momentum with this story, guess I'll stop writing it for now.
Brain: You are never going to finish it!!!
Me: Uh, maybe, but who cares? It's 2K words for a crossover of two tiny (if related) fandoms. I'll just go do something else.
Brain: MUST FINISH STORY
Me: Ok, I'll work on the story?
Brain: WHY BOTHER YOU WILL NEVER FINISH IT
Me: >:(

The fic ships the Travis the Nerd from Re: Alistair with Lloyd the Nice Gay Boss from the quasi-sequel Backstage Pass because Lloyd is a sweetie who deserved a boyfriend and I didn't have many appealing options for guys over 20(*). But while I can see them being a cute couple I don't have that INTENSE SHIPPY DRIVE to get them together, thus the lack of momentum. WHICH IS FINE. IT CAN STAY A WIP. I CAN WRITE OTHER THINGS. IN THEORY. *glares at my brain*

And this is why I don't do Nano, the pressure would kill me.

(*)Dale has little personality beyond "photographer", Shiro is great but I read them as some manner of transfeminine, and I just can't see things working out with John. Lloyd could theoretically be bi, because the game is allergic to anyone using sexuality terms, but he feels pretty gay coded to me so it'd feel weird to ship him with women.

Overall the con was pretty good, as far as I can tell based on what I saw around naps.
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Am still feeling depressed, but getting by. My apologies to the multiple people who subscribed to me recently, you all seem very cool but unfortunately my brain's response to "do I want to see the kinds of posts this person makes on my reading list?" was "Who knows who cares EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE" which was not very helpful.

I have recently made this zuchinni slice minus cheese and oil plus extra egg and some savoury flavours (garlic oil, msg, pepper, salt) a few times using the very convenient zucchini spaghetti from WA Fresh and it is great, though removing most of the fat makes it a trifle rubbery and in need of extra toasting. Going to try it minus bacon next because I don't like eating pork if I can help it.

Though as much as WA Fresh has a nice variety of produce, as I discovered last night they are lacking one very important staple: a "cancel order" button. I had to make a panicked email at 10pm after accidentally ordering twice, it all turned out ok but was rather more stress than I like.

Leaving for the US REALLY SOON. And everything's going fine! But. Still. AAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhh.

Meme via chagrined. Give me your age and I'll give you a number to do it yourself, if you like!
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