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Content Notes for the book in general: consent issues, sexualisation of teenagers, gore, mixed treatment of cross-dressing, self harm (sort of), dead babies, incest subtext, ANGST
I forgot how much fun this section was, even though it at least vaguely hits pretty much all the warnings above except incest. I'm still not remotely caught up to where I read to before.
And under the cut: SPOILERS for chapters 131-140.
The nearest report of a Brocade Immortal is in an abandoned textile factory. Naturally "Lang Yin" insists on tagging along and Xie Lian goes along with it because he subconsciously knows it's Hua Cheng but is in denial.
They find Hua Cheng's ghost servant there, who Xie Lian had previously noted has a cursed shackle like his own, given to those banished from Heaven.
Xie Lian: That's right, Shi Qing Xuan speculated that he's actually Yin Yu!
Me: They...did? Man, I'm forgetful.
Translator: MXTX cut that scene and forgot to edit the reference
I forgive you MXTX, it's a lot to keep track of.
Anyway, possibly-Yin-Yu has been gathering all the "Brocade Immortals", and so has a large collection of Evil Clothes and chained up would-be Evil Clothes sellers.
Xie Lian: Please tell Hua Chengzhu that this isn't necessary. And, um, how is he?
"Lang Yin": *pointed cough*
Yin-Yu??: He's. Um. Very busy.
(Google says Chengzhu means "city owner". Mayor Hua!)
The clothes are everything from fancy wedding gowns to blood soaked sacks, and the evil auras blending together makes it hard to tell which if any of them is the real Brocade Immortal.
Xie Lian: Oh well. Come on, Quan Yi Zhen, let's start figuring out which is...NO NOT BY TRYING THEM ON
Quan Yi Zhen: What about him?
"Lang Yin": *is serenely setting clothes on fire*
Xie Lian: NO PLAYING WITH FIRE EITHER
And then...the clothes all start to come to life and go on the attack! "Lang Yin", in evident pain despite supposedly being a normal human boy, says it's Mount Tonglu again.
Xie Lian: Oh no, I hope Hua Cheng is ok, wherever he is.
Me: COME ON, XIE LIAN.
(EDIT: Ok on a reread maybe Xie Lian isn't as unobservant as I thought, because Lang Ying is actually...a ghost...and I didn't notice...ANYWAY)
All the women's clothes try to put themselves on Xie Lian, while the children's clothes try to put themselves on Quan Yi Zhen. How old is this guy??
Eventually, lacking other options, the three of them try on the clothes after all, and they're all fake: noone is mindcontrolled while wearing them.
But then...a strange shadowy figure of a warrior appears. Is it the Brocade Immortal in human form??
Ling Wen shows up to collect the fakes, saying they should give her their outer robes too in case they got infected with evil. Xie Lian says he'll do some final checks first.
When he brings her everything the next day she notices that the robe "Lang Yin" was wearing is missing. Xie Lian sighs and reveals Ling Wen's SECRET EVIL PLAN THAT I STILL DON'T TOTALLY FOLLOW EVEN ON A REREAD
I think what happened was: Ling Wen stole the Brocade Immortal ages ago, and set things up so Xie Lian ended up owning it, in the form of a plain hemp robe that he eventually lent to Lang Win. This whole fake Brocades thing was just an excuse get this robe back.
Ling Wen calmly and politely pokes holes in his argument, not seeming surprised or upset by the accusation but not giving an inch.
Xie Lian: Ok then. What colour is the missing robe?
Ling Wen: ...
Xie Lian: Because I'm guessing the reason you noticed it is missing is that however it might look to everyone else, to you, it's creator, it always looks like a bloody sack.
Ooooh
And the Brocade Immortal isn't that old. She seduced and murdered a future Heavenly Offical after she became a god. Her punishment will be heavy indeed.
Ling Wen: Sigh. It's my bad luck you got assigned to this case. Your highness...sometimes you're very smart, and sometimes you're very much not. Sometimes you're kind, and sometimes you're so cold hearted...I'm guessing our centuries of friendship won't be enough to make you let this go?
Xie Lian: Sorry :(
She gets sad about not having seen "Bai Jing" (white brocade) in all this time. That was the name she gave him, people usually called him Xioa Bai (little white), which is apparently the Chinese equivalent of Spot.
She implies she knows why Hua Cheng wasn't affected by the mind control but doesn't explain.
And then Xie Lian proves her right on the "sometimes you're not smart" by LETTING HER HAVE A FINAL GOODBYE WITH THE BROCADE IMMORTAL. ALONE.
"She's not a martial god after all" /o\
Back at Xie Lian's shrine, while Ling Wen is TOTALLY NOT UP TO ANYTHING WITH THE MURDEROUS MIND CONTROLLING GHOST SHE CREATED BY TRICKING AND MURDERING HER EX, Xie Lian lightly teases "Lang Yin" by asking him what he thinks of Hua Cheng, getting him to write something down etc. Eventually Hua Cheng admits defeat.
Hua Cheng: Is it that funny? :/
Xie Lian: Of course! Only by rediscovering you did I remember what it's like to be this happy :)
Hua Cheng: o.O
Xie Lian: Uh. ANYWAY WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE REAL LANG YIN??
Just as Hua Cheng is explaining that he's in the Ghost City being taken care of, Ling Wen comes back in! TIME FOR DINNER: Stew which boiled dry, got turned into dumplings, then boiled. Or as Xie Lian calls them, "Incorruptible Chastity Meatballs"
(Good luck with that, Xie Lian, you're the protagonist of a BL novel)
Seeing "Lang Yin" eat one with enthusiasm, Quan Yi Zhen tries one too and collapses to the ground. Ling Wen smiles and eats some bread.
Hua Cheng private messages Xie Lian to be cautious: Ling Wen is cruel, cunning, and has eyes and ears everywhere. Pei Ming might be too honourable to help out, and Shi Wu Du is dead. But she has other allies, and-
They hear the sound of approaching bells. It's a crowd of cultivators and monks with powerful protective charms. They've come for Hua Cheng.
Hua Cheng says he'll take care of it but he's obviously weak right now, having locked away his powers into this small safe form. Xie Lian insists that he'll take care of it.
Cultivator: VILLAGERS! BEWARE! THIS HOUSE HOSTS AN EVIL GHOST!!
Villagers: You look expensive, whatever you're charging we can't afford it. Hey Xie Daozhang your fellow tradesmen are here! They say there's a ghost!
Cultivator: Xie Daozhang? Never heard of him. He can't be very important.
Xie Lian: Well spotted about the ghost! *hands cultivators the minor female ghost he has trapped in a pickle jar*
Cultivator: GASP. YOU REEK OF THE TOUCH OF EVIL. ESPECIALLY....YOUR LIPS!!
Xie Lian: UM. It's... because I ate from the pickle jar I keep ghosts in >.>
I'm going to mention in case it comes up later that the head cultivator's name is Heaven's Eye, since he can sense good and evil with his third eye. Xie Lian tricks Quan Yi Zhen into temporarily spiritually blinding Heaven's Eye with a burst of heavenly energy.
Xie Lian grumpily thinks that he can't afford the demerits he'd get for fighting mortals, so tells his sentient bandage RuoYe to unwrap itself from Ling Wen and disarm the cultivators.
Ling Wen, shaking out her wrists: Thank you for you hospitality. I'll be going now :)
Xie Lian, still dealing with the cultivators: ...it was you who called the cultivators here.
Ling Wen: I might not be a martial god but you can accomplish much with a communication array ^_^
Xie Lian sends Quan Yi Zhen to stop her, hoping he won't get too violent: she's a woman, after all, and only a civil god.
Ling Wen punches Quan Yi Zhen through the roof.
In her cold, crisp voice she says "Bai Jing, don't fight like that." For a moment, her calm, black-clad form is overlaid with a much taller man simmering with an aura of vengeance and death.
(hot)
For a moment Xie Lian and Quan Yi Zhen are stunned by the sheer beauty of her technique as she beats the crap out of Quan Yi Zhen....and in the process destroys Xie Lian's little shrine.
Xie Lian: :(
Hua Cheng: You'll get another one.
Cultivator, pointing angrily at Xie Lian: You, young'un, which temple are you registered at? What god do you worship?
Xie Lian: I AM THE EMINENT HIGHNESS CROWN PRINCE. I AM EIGHT HUNDRED YEARS OLDER THAN ALL OF YOU COMBINED. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME. I DO NOT WORSHIP GODS. I AM GOD.
Cultivators: Wha?
Xie Lian: *throws meatballs into their gaping mouths* Forget all that, I'm a trash collector. But those pellets were poison :)
He turns to Ling Wen, who is strangling Quan Yi Zhen and looking very unhappy about it. Just as she's saying "Bai Jing, we should go" Xie Lian throws a meatball in her mouth too. She lets go of Quan Yi Zhen and makes her escape, clutching her head.
Xie Lian grabs Hua Cheng and makes his own escape while the cultivators are distracted. Carrying child!Hua Cheng feels weirdly familiar...
Wanting to report all this to heaven, he unthinkingly contacts Ling Wen as usual.
Xie Lian: Something happened!
Ling Wen: I know.
Xie Lian: ...so sorry to bother you.
Ling Wen: *hangs up*
He enters Heaven's chat room, but everyone's shouting at each other already. He's barely managed to tell Feng Xin the basics when the whole phone network goes down. It was Ling Wen who created it after all.
Lang Ying is about 15 but at this point Hua Cheng looks more like 11.
Xie Lian: San Lang you are.... *pinching his cheeks* SO CUTE. Are you going to turn into a cute little baby?? :D I get to protect you for a change!
Hua Cheng, burying his head in Xie Lian's shoulder: I don't want you seeing me so weak :( I have to be the strongest, so I can...
Xie Lian, hugging him: How often have you seen me in a mess? Think of it as giving me some face.
Xie Lian asks how Black Water is likely to be doing right now and Hua Cheng said he's probably hibernating after eating a bunch of hungry ghosts. The Green Goblin eats people to try and seem similar, because he is a gross jerk.
Hua Cheng: Why did that priest say your lips were covered in the essence of evil? Gege, what did I do to you?
Xie Lian: It's more what I did to...OH LOOK A DISTRACTION
After various sillinesses they end up hiding out from the cultivators in a surprisingly lavish inn in the middle of nowhere, with Xie Lian dressed as a woman.
Staff: Hello :D :D Please eat :D :D
Xie Lian: So, these are totally evil ghosts, agreed?
Hua Cheng: Yep.
They spy on the cultivators, who totally fail to notice the stench of blood and other This Is An Evil Inn red flags. The cultivators order a big meal while complaining about Hua Cheng's Evil Deeds...which entirely consist of him letting sprits hide out in Ghost City after they did things like take vengeance on a rapist.
Head Cultivator: WAIT WE CAN'T EAT THIS
Xie Lian: I guess he's not totally incompetent after all
Head Cultivator: THESE PLATES ARE GREASY!!
The cultivators ask if "a bizarre woman with a small child" came by, and the staff cheerfully lead them to...a different room!
Woman: WHATTA A BUNCH OF STINKIN' PRIESTS DOING IN MY ROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL YER CHASTITY VOWS?
Cultivators: We're very sorry it's a misunderstanding D:
That's right, it's the mother of the fetus sprit! Whose name is Lan Chang and I am writing that down this time.
Cultivators: We're looking for a cultivator.
Staff: Oh, then you want this room!
Unseen cultivator: *shoots weaponised talismans at them*
Cultivators: SORRY TO HAVE DISTURBED YOU
Xie Lian sneaks out to see what's going on in the Evil Kitchen.
Green Goblin, while eating a human leg: HEY SHITHEADS WHERE'S MY MEAT?!
Staff: We're so sorry, my king, but the cultivators refused to eat the poisoned food.
Green Goblin: WHAT THE FUCK. They should try eating the shit my cousin the crown prince makes! *wiping blood from his mouth and picking up a spatula* STAND BACK AND LET THIS ANCESTOR SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE.
And he turns out to actually be good at cooking!
Cultivators: This looks delicious! But these chicken feet seem awfully...long?
Staff: Special rare phoenix feet!
Cultivators: And this pork has a tattoo?
Staff: SPECIAL DECORATION BY OUR TALENTED CHEF
But before they can eat Xie Lian throws a pebble at a cup, splashing a waiter with water...and his face washes right off!
Staff: AHHH DON'T BEAT US WE'RE ONLY PART TIMERS
Xie Lian takes advantage of the confusion created by the ensuing fight to try and capture Lan Chang. But the mysterious cultivator has beaten him to it...and turns out to be Fu Yao! Which is to say, Mu Qing, Xie Lian's tsundere former BFF, in disguise as his own employee. (We're not supposed to have figured this out yet, but it's pretty obvious now I know to look for him saying stuff like "I...I mean, my general...")
The fetus spirit comes out of it's mother's womb and attacks Fu Yao.
Meanwhile Xie Lian goes to demand Green Goblin tell him what happened to his "son" Gu Zi. At first he pretends to have eaten him, but after being beaten admits he's been "saved for later" in a shed. The poor kid is asleep but feverish.
(skygiants made a comment on my last post saying we're well past the point where leaving Gu Zi with his "dad" looks like a remotely good idea, and I agreed. Xie Lian should partner with Hua Cheng to create The Ghost City Home for The Supernaturally Orphaned And Somewhat Cursed, then these poor kids could be adopted or fostered by open minded gods and the less cannibalistic ghosts after a solid background check)
Green Goblin ends up tied up and pushed down on a chopping board by Xie Lian while Fu Yao pelts talismans at him and Lan Chang intermittently steps on him while running around the room from Fu Yao. Meanwhile Hua Cheng is sitting outside quietly making a house of cards from gold foil.
Green Goblin: Why does this always happen to me what did I ever do wrong ;_; WAIT IS THAT HUA CHENG?? GO ATTACK HIM INSTEAD!!
Xie Lian, putting a butcher's knife against his tongue: Be quiet :)
Hua Cheng calmly knocks over his house of foils, and the inn collapses on top of everyone.
Xie Lian: Won't using your powers like that affect you?
Hua Cheng: It's nothing.
Fu Yao, pulling himself from the rubble: YOU!! >:(
Xie Lian, standing in front of Hua Cheng protectively: Kids don't know how to control themselves... So sorry!
And then, for the first time in centuries, Xie Lian gets a call from his other estranged BFF, Feng Xin. Xie Lian is quietly warmed that Feng Xin remembers his password after all this time ("Just recite the ethics sutra 8 thousand times")
Apparently heaven is in chaos. All the civil gods who disdained Ling Wen and said they could do her job better have turned out to be useless in practice, and all the administrative duties she used to do are a mess. (The moral of this story is RESPECT ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANTS)
Also: Mu Qing was arrested, and then escaped. The fetus sprit named him as the god who cut it from it's mother and made it a spirit. Mu Qing denied it, saying he saved the spirit out of benevolence, but he has such a reputation for coldness that noone believed it.
Fu Yao has finally captured the fetus spirit. A dejected Lan Chang tries to care of the sick Gu Zi, aw.
Xie Lian gets Fu Yao in an arm lock and tells him to tell Mu Qing to hand himself in while Xie Lian investigates.
Fu Yao: Everyone knows about the grudge between you two. If you want the chance to drag him down just say so.
Hua Cheng: Some people are born ungrateful. Let him figure it out himself :)
Xie Lian: Even though Mu Qing is narrow-minded, petty, has a bad personality, nags, is mean, and has no friends...he's still got principles. He might spit in the cup of someone he doesn't like, but he wouldn't poison the water supply.
Fu Yao: He wouldn't spit!
Xie Lian: Laxatives, then. Look, if he won't turn himself in, why doesn't he join me? Then at least there'll be a witness that he didn't do anything else bad.
Before Fu Yao can reply, they're interupted by Green Goblin's laughter.
Green Goblin: OMG I RECOGNISE YOU NOW. YOU'RE LADY JIAN LAN, RIGHT?
Lan Chang: How do you...
Xie Lian: Who's Jian Lan?
Green Goblin: You don't remember? The proud number one maiden of Xian Le! Her looks are so-so but her family is so grand she's always voted the hottest. She was almost made your concubine!
Xie Lian has a sudden memory of his parents throwing a banquet with a bunch of would-be concubines, but he was sogay focussed on his cultivation he barely looked at the girls.
Hua Cheng doesn't look surprised.
Xie Lian: Are you really-
Jian Lan: Don't use that name!! I've...long since changed names.
Because she didn't want to bring shame on her long-dead family. Xie Lian feels bad for this woman who was once a noble member of his city, and devotee of him as a god.
Green Goblin: So who's the father? Not my cousin, I doubt he can get it up. Probably some Yong An pleb in a brothel.
Jian Lan, slapping him: WHAT'S THIS GARBAGE YOU'RE SPEWING
Green Goblin: HOW DARE A LOWLY FIERCE GHOST SLAP ME WHO IS ALMOST A SUPREME!!
Jian Lan, spitting on him: SOME SHITTY SUPREME, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN GOOD FOR, YOUR THICK SKIN?? TRASH! WHO ARE YOU TO CALL OTHER PEOPLE PLEBS??
Green Goblin: Who else but plebs could appreciate looks like you-WAIT!! PUT DOWN THAT BOULDER!! COUSIN!! HELP!!
Xie Lian keeps cheerfully chatting to Hua Cheng.
And then the sky rumbles, and Fenjg Xin appears, saying he got worried when Xie Lian hung up without explanation. He stares at Xie Lian for a moment, cross-dressing with Fu Yao in one arm and the talisman-bound fetus in the other, and Green Goblin tied up to the side.
Feng Xin: What...what's with this child?
Xie Lian: Cute, right?
Hua Cheng, with a coldly adult expression in his deep black eyes: ...
Feng Xin: Uh...
Xie Lian: Hey, my lady Lan Chang, don't run away!
Feng Xin shoots an arrow at her, but the fetus sprit bursts out of it's bonds to protect her, revealing itself to be a horrifying sharp toothed little monster that crawls around like a lizard.
Feng Xin eventually brings her down, but as he approaches suddenly cries out "Jian Lan?!"
Jian Lan: You've got the wrong person.
Feng Xian: How could I mistake you for anyone else? I thought you married, and lived well...how did you...become...
Jian Lan: YOU MOTHER FUCKER DIDN'T I SAY I'M NOT THAT HAG?! CAN YOU NOT LEAVE ME SOME FACE?!
Green Goblin: OMG COUSIN YOU WERE CUCKED BY YOUR MOST LOYAL DOG :D
Xie Lian isn't jealous, she wasn't even actually his concubine. But he is surprised: Feng Xin never spoke to women. And yet...
Suddenly the fetus latches onto Feng Xin and starts gnawing on his arm like a pirahna. Everyone stares at it, and him.
Feng Xin: Wait. Is...this... D:
Ooooh.
Content Notes for the book in general: consent issues, sexualisation of teenagers, gore, mixed treatment of cross-dressing, self harm (sort of), dead babies, incest subtext, ANGST
I forgot how much fun this section was, even though it at least vaguely hits pretty much all the warnings above except incest. I'm still not remotely caught up to where I read to before.
And under the cut: SPOILERS for chapters 131-140.
The nearest report of a Brocade Immortal is in an abandoned textile factory. Naturally "Lang Yin" insists on tagging along and Xie Lian goes along with it because he subconsciously knows it's Hua Cheng but is in denial.
They find Hua Cheng's ghost servant there, who Xie Lian had previously noted has a cursed shackle like his own, given to those banished from Heaven.
Xie Lian: That's right, Shi Qing Xuan speculated that he's actually Yin Yu!
Me: They...did? Man, I'm forgetful.
Translator: MXTX cut that scene and forgot to edit the reference
I forgive you MXTX, it's a lot to keep track of.
Anyway, possibly-Yin-Yu has been gathering all the "Brocade Immortals", and so has a large collection of Evil Clothes and chained up would-be Evil Clothes sellers.
Xie Lian: Please tell Hua Chengzhu that this isn't necessary. And, um, how is he?
"Lang Yin": *pointed cough*
Yin-Yu??: He's. Um. Very busy.
(Google says Chengzhu means "city owner". Mayor Hua!)
The clothes are everything from fancy wedding gowns to blood soaked sacks, and the evil auras blending together makes it hard to tell which if any of them is the real Brocade Immortal.
Xie Lian: Oh well. Come on, Quan Yi Zhen, let's start figuring out which is...NO NOT BY TRYING THEM ON
Quan Yi Zhen: What about him?
"Lang Yin": *is serenely setting clothes on fire*
Xie Lian: NO PLAYING WITH FIRE EITHER
And then...the clothes all start to come to life and go on the attack! "Lang Yin", in evident pain despite supposedly being a normal human boy, says it's Mount Tonglu again.
Xie Lian: Oh no, I hope Hua Cheng is ok, wherever he is.
Me: COME ON, XIE LIAN.
(EDIT: Ok on a reread maybe Xie Lian isn't as unobservant as I thought, because Lang Ying is actually...a ghost...and I didn't notice...ANYWAY)
All the women's clothes try to put themselves on Xie Lian, while the children's clothes try to put themselves on Quan Yi Zhen. How old is this guy??
Eventually, lacking other options, the three of them try on the clothes after all, and they're all fake: noone is mindcontrolled while wearing them.
But then...a strange shadowy figure of a warrior appears. Is it the Brocade Immortal in human form??
Ling Wen shows up to collect the fakes, saying they should give her their outer robes too in case they got infected with evil. Xie Lian says he'll do some final checks first.
When he brings her everything the next day she notices that the robe "Lang Yin" was wearing is missing. Xie Lian sighs and reveals Ling Wen's SECRET EVIL PLAN THAT I STILL DON'T TOTALLY FOLLOW EVEN ON A REREAD
I think what happened was: Ling Wen stole the Brocade Immortal ages ago, and set things up so Xie Lian ended up owning it, in the form of a plain hemp robe that he eventually lent to Lang Win. This whole fake Brocades thing was just an excuse get this robe back.
Ling Wen calmly and politely pokes holes in his argument, not seeming surprised or upset by the accusation but not giving an inch.
Xie Lian: Ok then. What colour is the missing robe?
Ling Wen: ...
Xie Lian: Because I'm guessing the reason you noticed it is missing is that however it might look to everyone else, to you, it's creator, it always looks like a bloody sack.
Ooooh
And the Brocade Immortal isn't that old. She seduced and murdered a future Heavenly Offical after she became a god. Her punishment will be heavy indeed.
Ling Wen: Sigh. It's my bad luck you got assigned to this case. Your highness...sometimes you're very smart, and sometimes you're very much not. Sometimes you're kind, and sometimes you're so cold hearted...I'm guessing our centuries of friendship won't be enough to make you let this go?
Xie Lian: Sorry :(
She gets sad about not having seen "Bai Jing" (white brocade) in all this time. That was the name she gave him, people usually called him Xioa Bai (little white), which is apparently the Chinese equivalent of Spot.
She implies she knows why Hua Cheng wasn't affected by the mind control but doesn't explain.
And then Xie Lian proves her right on the "sometimes you're not smart" by LETTING HER HAVE A FINAL GOODBYE WITH THE BROCADE IMMORTAL. ALONE.
"She's not a martial god after all" /o\
Back at Xie Lian's shrine, while Ling Wen is TOTALLY NOT UP TO ANYTHING WITH THE MURDEROUS MIND CONTROLLING GHOST SHE CREATED BY TRICKING AND MURDERING HER EX, Xie Lian lightly teases "Lang Yin" by asking him what he thinks of Hua Cheng, getting him to write something down etc. Eventually Hua Cheng admits defeat.
Hua Cheng: Is it that funny? :/
Xie Lian: Of course! Only by rediscovering you did I remember what it's like to be this happy :)
Hua Cheng: o.O
Xie Lian: Uh. ANYWAY WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE REAL LANG YIN??
Just as Hua Cheng is explaining that he's in the Ghost City being taken care of, Ling Wen comes back in! TIME FOR DINNER: Stew which boiled dry, got turned into dumplings, then boiled. Or as Xie Lian calls them, "Incorruptible Chastity Meatballs"
(Good luck with that, Xie Lian, you're the protagonist of a BL novel)
Seeing "Lang Yin" eat one with enthusiasm, Quan Yi Zhen tries one too and collapses to the ground. Ling Wen smiles and eats some bread.
Hua Cheng private messages Xie Lian to be cautious: Ling Wen is cruel, cunning, and has eyes and ears everywhere. Pei Ming might be too honourable to help out, and Shi Wu Du is dead. But she has other allies, and-
They hear the sound of approaching bells. It's a crowd of cultivators and monks with powerful protective charms. They've come for Hua Cheng.
Hua Cheng says he'll take care of it but he's obviously weak right now, having locked away his powers into this small safe form. Xie Lian insists that he'll take care of it.
Cultivator: VILLAGERS! BEWARE! THIS HOUSE HOSTS AN EVIL GHOST!!
Villagers: You look expensive, whatever you're charging we can't afford it. Hey Xie Daozhang your fellow tradesmen are here! They say there's a ghost!
Cultivator: Xie Daozhang? Never heard of him. He can't be very important.
Xie Lian: Well spotted about the ghost! *hands cultivators the minor female ghost he has trapped in a pickle jar*
Cultivator: GASP. YOU REEK OF THE TOUCH OF EVIL. ESPECIALLY....YOUR LIPS!!
Xie Lian: UM. It's... because I ate from the pickle jar I keep ghosts in >.>
I'm going to mention in case it comes up later that the head cultivator's name is Heaven's Eye, since he can sense good and evil with his third eye. Xie Lian tricks Quan Yi Zhen into temporarily spiritually blinding Heaven's Eye with a burst of heavenly energy.
Xie Lian grumpily thinks that he can't afford the demerits he'd get for fighting mortals, so tells his sentient bandage RuoYe to unwrap itself from Ling Wen and disarm the cultivators.
Ling Wen, shaking out her wrists: Thank you for you hospitality. I'll be going now :)
Xie Lian, still dealing with the cultivators: ...it was you who called the cultivators here.
Ling Wen: I might not be a martial god but you can accomplish much with a communication array ^_^
Xie Lian sends Quan Yi Zhen to stop her, hoping he won't get too violent: she's a woman, after all, and only a civil god.
Ling Wen punches Quan Yi Zhen through the roof.
In her cold, crisp voice she says "Bai Jing, don't fight like that." For a moment, her calm, black-clad form is overlaid with a much taller man simmering with an aura of vengeance and death.
(hot)
For a moment Xie Lian and Quan Yi Zhen are stunned by the sheer beauty of her technique as she beats the crap out of Quan Yi Zhen....and in the process destroys Xie Lian's little shrine.
Xie Lian: :(
Hua Cheng: You'll get another one.
Cultivator, pointing angrily at Xie Lian: You, young'un, which temple are you registered at? What god do you worship?
Xie Lian: I AM THE EMINENT HIGHNESS CROWN PRINCE. I AM EIGHT HUNDRED YEARS OLDER THAN ALL OF YOU COMBINED. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME. I DO NOT WORSHIP GODS. I AM GOD.
Cultivators: Wha?
Xie Lian: *throws meatballs into their gaping mouths* Forget all that, I'm a trash collector. But those pellets were poison :)
He turns to Ling Wen, who is strangling Quan Yi Zhen and looking very unhappy about it. Just as she's saying "Bai Jing, we should go" Xie Lian throws a meatball in her mouth too. She lets go of Quan Yi Zhen and makes her escape, clutching her head.
Xie Lian grabs Hua Cheng and makes his own escape while the cultivators are distracted. Carrying child!Hua Cheng feels weirdly familiar...
Wanting to report all this to heaven, he unthinkingly contacts Ling Wen as usual.
Xie Lian: Something happened!
Ling Wen: I know.
Xie Lian: ...so sorry to bother you.
Ling Wen: *hangs up*
He enters Heaven's chat room, but everyone's shouting at each other already. He's barely managed to tell Feng Xin the basics when the whole phone network goes down. It was Ling Wen who created it after all.
Lang Ying is about 15 but at this point Hua Cheng looks more like 11.
Xie Lian: San Lang you are.... *pinching his cheeks* SO CUTE. Are you going to turn into a cute little baby?? :D I get to protect you for a change!
Hua Cheng, burying his head in Xie Lian's shoulder: I don't want you seeing me so weak :( I have to be the strongest, so I can...
Xie Lian, hugging him: How often have you seen me in a mess? Think of it as giving me some face.
Xie Lian asks how Black Water is likely to be doing right now and Hua Cheng said he's probably hibernating after eating a bunch of hungry ghosts. The Green Goblin eats people to try and seem similar, because he is a gross jerk.
Hua Cheng: Why did that priest say your lips were covered in the essence of evil? Gege, what did I do to you?
Xie Lian: It's more what I did to...OH LOOK A DISTRACTION
After various sillinesses they end up hiding out from the cultivators in a surprisingly lavish inn in the middle of nowhere, with Xie Lian dressed as a woman.
Staff: Hello :D :D Please eat :D :D
Xie Lian: So, these are totally evil ghosts, agreed?
Hua Cheng: Yep.
They spy on the cultivators, who totally fail to notice the stench of blood and other This Is An Evil Inn red flags. The cultivators order a big meal while complaining about Hua Cheng's Evil Deeds...which entirely consist of him letting sprits hide out in Ghost City after they did things like take vengeance on a rapist.
Head Cultivator: WAIT WE CAN'T EAT THIS
Xie Lian: I guess he's not totally incompetent after all
Head Cultivator: THESE PLATES ARE GREASY!!
The cultivators ask if "a bizarre woman with a small child" came by, and the staff cheerfully lead them to...a different room!
Woman: WHATTA A BUNCH OF STINKIN' PRIESTS DOING IN MY ROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL YER CHASTITY VOWS?
Cultivators: We're very sorry it's a misunderstanding D:
That's right, it's the mother of the fetus sprit! Whose name is Lan Chang and I am writing that down this time.
Cultivators: We're looking for a cultivator.
Staff: Oh, then you want this room!
Unseen cultivator: *shoots weaponised talismans at them*
Cultivators: SORRY TO HAVE DISTURBED YOU
Xie Lian sneaks out to see what's going on in the Evil Kitchen.
Green Goblin, while eating a human leg: HEY SHITHEADS WHERE'S MY MEAT?!
Staff: We're so sorry, my king, but the cultivators refused to eat the poisoned food.
Green Goblin: WHAT THE FUCK. They should try eating the shit my cousin the crown prince makes! *wiping blood from his mouth and picking up a spatula* STAND BACK AND LET THIS ANCESTOR SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE.
And he turns out to actually be good at cooking!
Cultivators: This looks delicious! But these chicken feet seem awfully...long?
Staff: Special rare phoenix feet!
Cultivators: And this pork has a tattoo?
Staff: SPECIAL DECORATION BY OUR TALENTED CHEF
But before they can eat Xie Lian throws a pebble at a cup, splashing a waiter with water...and his face washes right off!
Staff: AHHH DON'T BEAT US WE'RE ONLY PART TIMERS
Xie Lian takes advantage of the confusion created by the ensuing fight to try and capture Lan Chang. But the mysterious cultivator has beaten him to it...and turns out to be Fu Yao! Which is to say, Mu Qing, Xie Lian's tsundere former BFF, in disguise as his own employee. (We're not supposed to have figured this out yet, but it's pretty obvious now I know to look for him saying stuff like "I...I mean, my general...")
The fetus spirit comes out of it's mother's womb and attacks Fu Yao.
Meanwhile Xie Lian goes to demand Green Goblin tell him what happened to his "son" Gu Zi. At first he pretends to have eaten him, but after being beaten admits he's been "saved for later" in a shed. The poor kid is asleep but feverish.
(
skygiants made a comment on my last post saying we're well past the point where leaving Gu Zi with his "dad" looks like a remotely good idea, and I agreed. Xie Lian should partner with Hua Cheng to create The Ghost City Home for The Supernaturally Orphaned And Somewhat Cursed, then these poor kids could be adopted or fostered by open minded gods and the less cannibalistic ghosts after a solid background check)Green Goblin ends up tied up and pushed down on a chopping board by Xie Lian while Fu Yao pelts talismans at him and Lan Chang intermittently steps on him while running around the room from Fu Yao. Meanwhile Hua Cheng is sitting outside quietly making a house of cards from gold foil.
Green Goblin: Why does this always happen to me what did I ever do wrong ;_; WAIT IS THAT HUA CHENG?? GO ATTACK HIM INSTEAD!!
Xie Lian, putting a butcher's knife against his tongue: Be quiet :)
Hua Cheng calmly knocks over his house of foils, and the inn collapses on top of everyone.
Xie Lian: Won't using your powers like that affect you?
Hua Cheng: It's nothing.
Fu Yao, pulling himself from the rubble: YOU!! >:(
Xie Lian, standing in front of Hua Cheng protectively: Kids don't know how to control themselves... So sorry!
And then, for the first time in centuries, Xie Lian gets a call from his other estranged BFF, Feng Xin. Xie Lian is quietly warmed that Feng Xin remembers his password after all this time ("Just recite the ethics sutra 8 thousand times")
Apparently heaven is in chaos. All the civil gods who disdained Ling Wen and said they could do her job better have turned out to be useless in practice, and all the administrative duties she used to do are a mess. (The moral of this story is RESPECT ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANTS)
Also: Mu Qing was arrested, and then escaped. The fetus sprit named him as the god who cut it from it's mother and made it a spirit. Mu Qing denied it, saying he saved the spirit out of benevolence, but he has such a reputation for coldness that noone believed it.
Fu Yao has finally captured the fetus spirit. A dejected Lan Chang tries to care of the sick Gu Zi, aw.
Xie Lian gets Fu Yao in an arm lock and tells him to tell Mu Qing to hand himself in while Xie Lian investigates.
Fu Yao: Everyone knows about the grudge between you two. If you want the chance to drag him down just say so.
Hua Cheng: Some people are born ungrateful. Let him figure it out himself :)
Xie Lian: Even though Mu Qing is narrow-minded, petty, has a bad personality, nags, is mean, and has no friends...he's still got principles. He might spit in the cup of someone he doesn't like, but he wouldn't poison the water supply.
Fu Yao: He wouldn't spit!
Xie Lian: Laxatives, then. Look, if he won't turn himself in, why doesn't he join me? Then at least there'll be a witness that he didn't do anything else bad.
Before Fu Yao can reply, they're interupted by Green Goblin's laughter.
Green Goblin: OMG I RECOGNISE YOU NOW. YOU'RE LADY JIAN LAN, RIGHT?
Lan Chang: How do you...
Xie Lian: Who's Jian Lan?
Green Goblin: You don't remember? The proud number one maiden of Xian Le! Her looks are so-so but her family is so grand she's always voted the hottest. She was almost made your concubine!
Xie Lian has a sudden memory of his parents throwing a banquet with a bunch of would-be concubines, but he was so
Hua Cheng doesn't look surprised.
Xie Lian: Are you really-
Jian Lan: Don't use that name!! I've...long since changed names.
Because she didn't want to bring shame on her long-dead family. Xie Lian feels bad for this woman who was once a noble member of his city, and devotee of him as a god.
Green Goblin: So who's the father? Not my cousin, I doubt he can get it up. Probably some Yong An pleb in a brothel.
Jian Lan, slapping him: WHAT'S THIS GARBAGE YOU'RE SPEWING
Green Goblin: HOW DARE A LOWLY FIERCE GHOST SLAP ME WHO IS ALMOST A SUPREME!!
Jian Lan, spitting on him: SOME SHITTY SUPREME, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN GOOD FOR, YOUR THICK SKIN?? TRASH! WHO ARE YOU TO CALL OTHER PEOPLE PLEBS??
Green Goblin: Who else but plebs could appreciate looks like you-WAIT!! PUT DOWN THAT BOULDER!! COUSIN!! HELP!!
Xie Lian keeps cheerfully chatting to Hua Cheng.
And then the sky rumbles, and Fenjg Xin appears, saying he got worried when Xie Lian hung up without explanation. He stares at Xie Lian for a moment, cross-dressing with Fu Yao in one arm and the talisman-bound fetus in the other, and Green Goblin tied up to the side.
Feng Xin: What...what's with this child?
Xie Lian: Cute, right?
Hua Cheng, with a coldly adult expression in his deep black eyes: ...
Feng Xin: Uh...
Xie Lian: Hey, my lady Lan Chang, don't run away!
Feng Xin shoots an arrow at her, but the fetus sprit bursts out of it's bonds to protect her, revealing itself to be a horrifying sharp toothed little monster that crawls around like a lizard.
Feng Xin eventually brings her down, but as he approaches suddenly cries out "Jian Lan?!"
Jian Lan: You've got the wrong person.
Feng Xian: How could I mistake you for anyone else? I thought you married, and lived well...how did you...become...
Jian Lan: YOU MOTHER FUCKER DIDN'T I SAY I'M NOT THAT HAG?! CAN YOU NOT LEAVE ME SOME FACE?!
Green Goblin: OMG COUSIN YOU WERE CUCKED BY YOUR MOST LOYAL DOG :D
Xie Lian isn't jealous, she wasn't even actually his concubine. But he is surprised: Feng Xin never spoke to women. And yet...
Suddenly the fetus latches onto Feng Xin and starts gnawing on his arm like a pirahna. Everyone stares at it, and him.
Feng Xin: Wait. Is...this... D:
Ooooh.
