alias_sqbr: Hannelore: Worry hat! Bravery plus 10, charisma plus 5 (worry hat)
[personal profile] alias_sqbr
Me: This fic is perfect in every way!
Author: Thank you :)

Wtf self.

I've been having a lot of random anxiety at night recently, it's incredibly annoying. I'm not really anxious about anything specific, though of course my brain can always find something to fixate on. It's mild enough that if it was during the day I'd just ignore it, but the fast pulse and adrenaline keeps me awake at night. I couldn't get to sleep last night until like 1am and then had to get up earlyish for my grandad's funeral today (which I guess I was a little anxious about? But it went fine, and it's over now, and yet I am once again anxious) Meanwhile Cam was awake with an itchy allergic reaction to who knows what (possibly the chicken schnitzel Coles gave us by "mistake" eg in a nefarious plot to POISON CAM) But this isn't about him! It's about me! (*)

Um....yes. So! Me! Asides from the anxiety attacks I'm pretty good (People without a mental illness may have trouble imagining having insomnia inducing anxiety attacks while simultaneously feeling pretty good about things, but there it is) I've been putting a lot of energy into family things and christmas shopping etc, I need to do something fun and social with no obligations but of course after all that stuff am in need of rest (the insomnia doesn't help :/) I am inclined to think that this situation is where the anxiety is coming from. House hunting is on hold while all the real estate agents are on holiday.

Saw some friends/friendly acquaintances from primary school the other day which was an experience as usual, comparing the miserable shy neurotic kid I was back then to the person I am now and the way primary school seems to have been a neutral to positive experience for them rather than the living hell I experienced it as. (Except for this one guy who seems to have hated it as much as me. But noone could get a hold of him this time)

Today I was thinking about the way that, as a child, I felt strikingly weird and awkward, to the extent that any other kid who chose not to make fun of me was making an active effort to put up with my weirdness. But a lot of people who haven't seen me much since then (eg primary school aquaintances, some people at the funeral) react to adult me as if they expect me to have grown up into a regular person, and reminisce about child me as if she was just some regular kid. And it never occured to me until today to question whether I was really that strikingly weird after all. I mean I was definitely weird! I was quite unpopular, and had poor social skills, and was mocked for being odd. But one of the things I've been increasingly aware of since starting therapy is how much my anxiety exaggerates people's negative reactions to me, and I was much more anxious, and much less rational, as a child. Unfortunately my memories of the specific events of childhood are pretty fuzzy, so it's hard to untangle what was really going on from this distance. Still, the thought that maybe I wasn't universally disliked/pitied after all is...idk. Something. (I never thought everyone hated me, just that they found me irritating and weird)

I have been playing lots of minecraft, my mob murdering deathtrap bonemeal dispenser is finished and decorated with a pretty rainbow of coloured wool (which is one thing I needed the bonemeal for) but alas I can't find any desert which means NO GREEN WOOL. I walked like 3000 squares today and found cocoa for brown wool but NO DESERT. No hot dry biomes at all, maybe I don't have any in my world :(

And on that sad note, I shall finish.

(*)He seems to be better. Am still very grateful for him for driving me to Fremantle and sitting through the service on little sleep.

Date: 2014-01-07 04:10 am (UTC)
mooreeffoc: Blue skies over an ocean beach. A bank of white clouds rears up in the distance. (cloudscape + ocean)
From: [personal profile] mooreeffoc
People without a mental illness may have trouble imagining having insomnia inducing anxiety attacks while simultaneously feeling pretty good about things, but there it is

Quoted for truth. I feel like a fair chunk of my life is spent reassuring people close to me that I'm fine - still scared of everything ever, but fine nonetheless!

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