The Niceness Of Not Giving
Dec. 10th, 2019 08:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alias_sqbrSeeing all the BUY THIS FOR YOUR LOVED ONES Christmas pressure ramping up has reminded me how glad I am that I don't give out presents any more.
I'm definitely not saying everyone should do the same, if you enjoy giving presents then keep having fun! But I know it makes a lot of people miserable, so here's the approach I took in case other people find it useful.
1) Figuring out what about buying presents makes me unhappy and trying to minimise it. In my case it was the expense and the decision making. So I started asking people to tell me small things they wanted. Which they mostly didn't! Even when I explained that it was super stressing me out! But this turned out to be a useful setup for stage 2.
2) Give anyone who didn't tell me what they wanted a charity donation, mostly those cute Oxfam cards. If they looked askance, I explained that deciding on presents stressed me out and they hadn't told me what they wanted. This way I "proved I cared" by spending money, and someone got to be happy (the farmer getting a duck) But it also meant people stopped expecting actual presents from me, and it was a less guilt inducing way of signifying that I wasn't engaging with the whole Gift Process any more.
3) Announcing in advance that I wasn't going to give presents any more because it was bad for my mental health. I said I was fine getting presents if people wanted to give them, but they should never expect reciprocation. Some people went along with it fine, some grumbled, and my mother and brother said "Ok! Let's not do christmas presents!" then got me gifts anyway so I gave the gifts they gave me to each other lol.
It's been a few years now and people seem to have accepted it, and whether because of me or not (it may also have soemthing to do with Mum converting to Judaism) the general gift giving Thing has chilled out a lot in my family on the whole.
The experience was not unlike telling people I don't usually like hugs. The way I see it, if someone cares more about the trappings of making me happy than actually making me happy, I shouldn't feel bad about disappointing them.
The only person I still regularly swap gifts with is Cam since (a) we live together so it's nice for him to get something from me specifically (b) He reliably tells me what he wants (c) He's the one ultimately paying for it anyway. So really this is a way for Cam to get themself a present but have it organised and presented by me :)
People sometimes still get me gifts, but I feel like I've made it very clear I don't expect it and they're not obligated, so I just enjoy the free stuff :D
Anyway. If giving presents stresses you out, and feels inescapable, you're not bad for wanting to stop. And hopefully you can find a way to make things less awful.
I'm definitely not saying everyone should do the same, if you enjoy giving presents then keep having fun! But I know it makes a lot of people miserable, so here's the approach I took in case other people find it useful.
1) Figuring out what about buying presents makes me unhappy and trying to minimise it. In my case it was the expense and the decision making. So I started asking people to tell me small things they wanted. Which they mostly didn't! Even when I explained that it was super stressing me out! But this turned out to be a useful setup for stage 2.
2) Give anyone who didn't tell me what they wanted a charity donation, mostly those cute Oxfam cards. If they looked askance, I explained that deciding on presents stressed me out and they hadn't told me what they wanted. This way I "proved I cared" by spending money, and someone got to be happy (the farmer getting a duck) But it also meant people stopped expecting actual presents from me, and it was a less guilt inducing way of signifying that I wasn't engaging with the whole Gift Process any more.
3) Announcing in advance that I wasn't going to give presents any more because it was bad for my mental health. I said I was fine getting presents if people wanted to give them, but they should never expect reciprocation. Some people went along with it fine, some grumbled, and my mother and brother said "Ok! Let's not do christmas presents!" then got me gifts anyway so I gave the gifts they gave me to each other lol.
It's been a few years now and people seem to have accepted it, and whether because of me or not (it may also have soemthing to do with Mum converting to Judaism) the general gift giving Thing has chilled out a lot in my family on the whole.
The experience was not unlike telling people I don't usually like hugs. The way I see it, if someone cares more about the trappings of making me happy than actually making me happy, I shouldn't feel bad about disappointing them.
The only person I still regularly swap gifts with is Cam since (a) we live together so it's nice for him to get something from me specifically (b) He reliably tells me what he wants (c) He's the one ultimately paying for it anyway. So really this is a way for Cam to get themself a present but have it organised and presented by me :)
People sometimes still get me gifts, but I feel like I've made it very clear I don't expect it and they're not obligated, so I just enjoy the free stuff :D
Anyway. If giving presents stresses you out, and feels inescapable, you're not bad for wanting to stop. And hopefully you can find a way to make things less awful.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-10 01:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 11:45 am (UTC)nods Yeah I have trouble with wishlists too. I just ask for vouchers, when pressed, and half the time give them to Cam.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-10 02:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 11:31 am (UTC)Yes that's one of the things that very much reminds me of telling people I don't want hugs :/
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 02:00 am (UTC)I often feel like someone who was Better At People would relish the work of noticing what their loved ones like/need/want and providing them with it - wishlists are far less stress.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 11:28 am (UTC)I actually used to enjoy it, back when I was healthy. But it very quickly became a source of stress once my level of mental energy went down.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-15 05:51 am (UTC)I used to LOVE giving presents, but since I got sick, I no longer do it apart from my partner.
The amount of mental and physical effort it costs me massively outweighs the joy/happiness it seems to give the other person.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-16 02:01 am (UTC)Yeah, same.