Taking a few steps into the blue and green end of the gender fluid

[alias_sqbr]

So! I've been rambling about this under lock but feel like putting it out there publicly and then taking a step back to process some more. I guess because part of me is paranoid people will be weird about it and this way I pull the bandaid off now. But, uh yeah: I seem to have decided I'm non binary? Ish? Currently my best guess is genderfluid demigirl, eg my gender identity fluctuates all over the place but is female more often than not. I've been thinking I might be non binary for some time, all that was holding me back was the idea it would mean letting go of my identity as a woman. But now I realise I can be a woman as well as genderqueer etc and also sometimes maybe a man??? Or at least male-ish?? Still poking at that because uh. What.

I reserve the right to just go "Actually this was an interesting experiment but I'm just a plain girl again now" at some point, but this is where I am right now. Feels pretty good, I have to say. Not changing my pronouns or anything for now, so, I don't require you guys to do anything differently. Just letting you know where I'm at.

Comments

[rachelmanija]

I think that gender identity, like sexual orientation, is a lot more complicated and/or fluid for a lot more people than society at large even begins to acknowledge. Obviously, as far as I'm concerned, you are whatever you say you are, and if your ideas or knowledge of that shift, then that's real too.

One thing which has become much more noticeable to me as a therapist is that the short labels people use to describe stuff like sexual orientation and gender identity often tell me literally nothing about what that actually means to the person. So if it feels complicated to you, I think that's because this stuff is complicated and society often talks about it in a way that makes it sound like it's simple and cookie-cutter for everyone, but it's actually not simple at all for many or maybe even most people. But because of that and of course social prejudice as well, people end up feeling like they're weird or the only one because no one's talking about it.

So yeah. I think you can be everything you say, or some of it, or something else, or all of it now and maybe something else later. And all of it will always be your complex but real truth, at that moment, regardless of what the next moment brings. Things don't have to be permanent or carved in stone or have a one-word name to be real.

[maramcreates]

Well said.

[alias_sqbr]

nods Though it didn't help for me that as it happens most of the afab non binary people I've discussed gender with have felt alienated by femaleness and want less gender in their lives, while I want ALL the gender (including no gender, sometimes, but not by default) And while none of them would ever act like theirs is the only way to be non binary, and these discussions were still really helpful, it did mean I was lacking in similar gender identities to compare myself to and go "oh hey I feel that way too!". Which is one reason I want to talk about my feelings, in case I can be that for someone else.

One of the ways the discussions were helpful is that I've spent enough time reasuring non binary friends that their feelings are real and that even if they did change their minds back to being their assigned gender it would be ok etc, that when I have my own self doubts the counterarguments are already in my brain :)

[rachelmanija]

Counterarguments are excellent.

These things really are a lot more complicated than usually gets talked about. Even in settings specifically for people to talk about how it's more complicated, as you discovered. You are not the first person I have met who wants ALL the gender including sometimes no gender. I'm sure you'll find others now that you're talking about it more widely, if you haven't already. They're out there. Everyone and everything is out there - infinite diversity in infinite combinations. ;)

[moonvoice]

I've been enjoying your posts about this, for a couple of reasons, and the first is that I'm glad you're exploring this for yourself and being open about asking a lot of questions and also exploring 'okayness' with like being female/a woman, while also being NB and so on. But also on a selfish level, since I've been identifying as NB for a while, but with all the gender vs. no gender (though I have agendered periods it's not the majority of my experience, I'm more male-identifying with strong switches or concurrent 'woman' experiences too - but I'm definitely not primarily agendered first and foremost) and it's just... well as you know, it's a very confusing thing to explore, and there's a lot of self-validation things that have to happen at the same time and they're quite hard.

It is complex, and I like that you're still poking at it and this is evolving and this will be what it will be. The idea that we have to 'pick one' and stick with it forever is convenient to others, but redundant for people who are fluid on any level, or still figuring things out in a patient, ongoing way. If you decide you want to experiment with pronoun changes at any point (and change your mind again, or stick to them) I am definitely in the camp of 'yes let's do that' depending on what you're comfortable with.

And yeah, thank you muchly for sharing your experiences. I am not nearly as able to do it, and I respect and admire that you are <3

[alias_sqbr]

Thank you for your lovely comment! Your posts have been really helpful to me, too, so I'm really glad I could return the favour.

[mooreeffoc]

I read your gender posts, but didn't comment because I am very busy right now and my brain is gloop (& gender can be a thorny topic for me at the best of times). I'm glad you're working out an identity that feels comfortable/right.

Also, I've met people who feel similarly to you re: wanting a... surfeit of gender as opposed to no gender. You're not alone!

Also also: everything rachelmanija said.

[alias_sqbr]

Thank you :)

[iwillow]

Labels are helpful for giving you concepts to hold on to. But they can also leave you stuck in a whole, confused about who or what you really are. It's all complicated.

Don't sweat it. I mean my word doesn't mean much, but don't sweat it. Figuring out who you are, vs who you think you're supposed to do - it doesn't matter what happens in the future. Who you are now; if you've found words, it's good.

[alias_sqbr]

Thank you! And yeah that's pretty mich what I've been telling myself. I mostly even believe it :)