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alias_sqbrWritten mostly for other confused people so they can compare notes and feel less weird for not figuring this stuff out the moment they hit puberty :) Some stuff about being grey Asexual in there too.
Dates are fuzzy because who can remember this sort of thing. My sexuality tag makes for an interesting timeline of my attitudes before and after coming out.
1979: I am born. This is when all the trouble started ;)
1980s, childhood: I went to a co-ed working class primary school where inventively obscene anti-gay invective was the norm, plus the AIDs epidemic and associated gay panic was in full swing. I was somehow anti-homophobia but thought being gay sounded like a lot of scary hassle. Realising you were gay after you got married was even worse. I also worried I might wake up and realise I was a boy, which sounded THE WORST. EW BOYS.
Everyone was expected to have gotten a boyfriend/girlfriend by the age of ten, or at the very least have major crushes. I felt NOTHING aside from some very vague attraction towards certain actors and so thought...am I a repressed lesbian? But I felt nothing for any girls I knew either. I was however very misandrist and found the "fact" that I would eventually get married to some dude depressing. I wanted a boyfriend anyway just so I could feel normal and loved. The very odd contact with narratives about lesbian women left me with a melancholy yearning.
1994, 14: At a subtly homophobic upper middle class girl's school. Puberty starts really kicking in. I had free floating libido and felt vague confusing attractions towards boys and girls I knew, but nothing I could convince myself was definitely not platonic. Wonder if I am repressed lesbian. Then I had my first real crush, on a boy, after someone suggests I'm interested in him and I go "No I'm...OH". So, definitely not a lesbian! Must be straight then!
1995-ish, 15: have had a couple of crushes on boys. The idea of sex with ANYONE is confusing and scary and diiirty. Nudity and porn kind of freak me out, but women's bodies are often kind of captivating. Properly encounter the idea of bisexuality. Maybe...I'm...bi? But I've never had a crush on a girl? Decide the bar is "would I date a girl given the oppurtunity", and since I'm not sure I would I must be straight.
1997, 17: First boyfriend, sex. Once we start doing sexual things it's like my libido goes "Oh! OTHER PEOPLE'S BODIES LEAD TO ORGASMS" and I find his body (and, ocassionally, similar looking male bodies) sexually attractive, but despite often enjoying it sex is still a bit scary and weird. He was an abusive ass who deliberately triggered my anxiety about sex which Did Not Help. And then during a period of stress I find myself attracted (in a non sexual, romantic way) towards several dudes I know, and then I have a crush on a female friend for LITERALLY half an hour? And then feel totally normal towards her afterwards??
Start meeting more Actual Queer People but don't know any f/f couples, have trouble getting my head around it and am annoyed at myself for that.
1998, 18: dump ex. Worried both about being a Repressed Bisexual and a Fake-Gay Straight Girl. Or saying I'm bi then having to UN come-out when I realise I'm actually straight, how embarassing would that be. Try to open my mind to possibility of dating girls but have no idea how it would even work and only find myself unambiguously attracted to dudes. Know vaguely how I feel about sex with guys, sex with girls is very "???". At one point find myself able to cheerfully imagine self kissing a particularly cute boy, have some sexual attraction to guys who resemble my ex (who was not my usual type).
1999, 19: meet Cam. We have hella chemistry. Our knees brush in a lecture and I think "wait, I am not horrified by his touch! WE COULD HAVE SEX :D :D" Then we start dating and we do, hurrah! Am still only intermittently sexually attracted to him or even really...aware of his body, and in weird ways like "WOW HAS YOUR WRIST ALWAYS BEEN SO SEXY".
2000-2005, early 20s: The dark times. There is only misery and mathematical research here. Only people I can remember being especially attracted to in this period were guys, but I spent very little time around women my own age since I spent all my time in the maths department and undergraduate scifi club (which had women but they were all tiny babies)
2006, 26: Encounter and am drawn to femslash, start encountering more f/f romance in general. It makes me feel acknowledged and happy and I don't know why. Slowly make friends with more lesbian/bi women, feel very self conscious about my straightness. Get my second crush on a girl, this crush is unambiguous and long lived.
2008, 28: Women get more attractive for no particular reason? No unambiguous crushes, but a slow increase in "ooh she's cute" until they are on par with men (I haven't had any crushes on a man in a while either). Start writing femslash. More involved in online social justice conversations, including on sexuality, find self alienated by assumption that straight women have NO attraction to other women, so call self "straight with some attraction to women".
2009, 29: The pit of despair. Disabled and retired and not coping well with either.
2010, 30: Start repressing serious girl crush number 3, which is a doozy. Start getting therapy for disability related angst. Am diagnosed with...an anxiety disorder?? As I get treated for this, suddenly my reasons for not identifying as bi seem less compelling. Cam and I are at this point ok at least IMAGINING dating other people without massive guilt etc, and opening my mind to this possibility makes me realise I would happily date the right girl.
2011, 31: Start identifying as bi. Once I do this I find it even easier to imagine myself dating women, and women become more attractive. Attraction to women doesn't work quite the same way as attraction to men, and doesn't involve quite the same features (though dark hair and eyes is always a plus ;)) Still poking at how I feel about non binary people. Become more comfortable with the idea of being grey asexual, and feel like I would probably be as comfortable having sex with women/non binary people as with men (which is to say: intermittently, and only under the right circumstances).
2012, 32: So, I'm not comfortable talking about this publicaly, but...have further evidence of Actual Bi-ness. Also, start going to Pride Festivals etc. As with f/f fiction, it fills a hole I didn't realise was there.
2014, 34: Very comfortable identifying as bi. My romantic and aesthetic attractions to men, women, and non binary people are all about equivalent on average, but not identical. Am still a bit "????" imagining myself having sex with anyone other than Cam. Feel deep connection with queer/mogaii etc-ness, even if not always with the community.
Dates are fuzzy because who can remember this sort of thing. My sexuality tag makes for an interesting timeline of my attitudes before and after coming out.
1979: I am born. This is when all the trouble started ;)
1980s, childhood: I went to a co-ed working class primary school where inventively obscene anti-gay invective was the norm, plus the AIDs epidemic and associated gay panic was in full swing. I was somehow anti-homophobia but thought being gay sounded like a lot of scary hassle. Realising you were gay after you got married was even worse. I also worried I might wake up and realise I was a boy, which sounded THE WORST. EW BOYS.
Everyone was expected to have gotten a boyfriend/girlfriend by the age of ten, or at the very least have major crushes. I felt NOTHING aside from some very vague attraction towards certain actors and so thought...am I a repressed lesbian? But I felt nothing for any girls I knew either. I was however very misandrist and found the "fact" that I would eventually get married to some dude depressing. I wanted a boyfriend anyway just so I could feel normal and loved. The very odd contact with narratives about lesbian women left me with a melancholy yearning.
1994, 14: At a subtly homophobic upper middle class girl's school. Puberty starts really kicking in. I had free floating libido and felt vague confusing attractions towards boys and girls I knew, but nothing I could convince myself was definitely not platonic. Wonder if I am repressed lesbian. Then I had my first real crush, on a boy, after someone suggests I'm interested in him and I go "No I'm...OH". So, definitely not a lesbian! Must be straight then!
1995-ish, 15: have had a couple of crushes on boys. The idea of sex with ANYONE is confusing and scary and diiirty. Nudity and porn kind of freak me out, but women's bodies are often kind of captivating. Properly encounter the idea of bisexuality. Maybe...I'm...bi? But I've never had a crush on a girl? Decide the bar is "would I date a girl given the oppurtunity", and since I'm not sure I would I must be straight.
1997, 17: First boyfriend, sex. Once we start doing sexual things it's like my libido goes "Oh! OTHER PEOPLE'S BODIES LEAD TO ORGASMS" and I find his body (and, ocassionally, similar looking male bodies) sexually attractive, but despite often enjoying it sex is still a bit scary and weird. He was an abusive ass who deliberately triggered my anxiety about sex which Did Not Help. And then during a period of stress I find myself attracted (in a non sexual, romantic way) towards several dudes I know, and then I have a crush on a female friend for LITERALLY half an hour? And then feel totally normal towards her afterwards??
Start meeting more Actual Queer People but don't know any f/f couples, have trouble getting my head around it and am annoyed at myself for that.
1998, 18: dump ex. Worried both about being a Repressed Bisexual and a Fake-Gay Straight Girl. Or saying I'm bi then having to UN come-out when I realise I'm actually straight, how embarassing would that be. Try to open my mind to possibility of dating girls but have no idea how it would even work and only find myself unambiguously attracted to dudes. Know vaguely how I feel about sex with guys, sex with girls is very "???". At one point find myself able to cheerfully imagine self kissing a particularly cute boy, have some sexual attraction to guys who resemble my ex (who was not my usual type).
1999, 19: meet Cam. We have hella chemistry. Our knees brush in a lecture and I think "wait, I am not horrified by his touch! WE COULD HAVE SEX :D :D" Then we start dating and we do, hurrah! Am still only intermittently sexually attracted to him or even really...aware of his body, and in weird ways like "WOW HAS YOUR WRIST ALWAYS BEEN SO SEXY".
2000-2005, early 20s: The dark times. There is only misery and mathematical research here. Only people I can remember being especially attracted to in this period were guys, but I spent very little time around women my own age since I spent all my time in the maths department and undergraduate scifi club (which had women but they were all tiny babies)
2006, 26: Encounter and am drawn to femslash, start encountering more f/f romance in general. It makes me feel acknowledged and happy and I don't know why. Slowly make friends with more lesbian/bi women, feel very self conscious about my straightness. Get my second crush on a girl, this crush is unambiguous and long lived.
2008, 28: Women get more attractive for no particular reason? No unambiguous crushes, but a slow increase in "ooh she's cute" until they are on par with men (I haven't had any crushes on a man in a while either). Start writing femslash. More involved in online social justice conversations, including on sexuality, find self alienated by assumption that straight women have NO attraction to other women, so call self "straight with some attraction to women".
2009, 29: The pit of despair. Disabled and retired and not coping well with either.
2010, 30: Start repressing serious girl crush number 3, which is a doozy. Start getting therapy for disability related angst. Am diagnosed with...an anxiety disorder?? As I get treated for this, suddenly my reasons for not identifying as bi seem less compelling. Cam and I are at this point ok at least IMAGINING dating other people without massive guilt etc, and opening my mind to this possibility makes me realise I would happily date the right girl.
2011, 31: Start identifying as bi. Once I do this I find it even easier to imagine myself dating women, and women become more attractive. Attraction to women doesn't work quite the same way as attraction to men, and doesn't involve quite the same features (though dark hair and eyes is always a plus ;)) Still poking at how I feel about non binary people. Become more comfortable with the idea of being grey asexual, and feel like I would probably be as comfortable having sex with women/non binary people as with men (which is to say: intermittently, and only under the right circumstances).
2012, 32: So, I'm not comfortable talking about this publicaly, but...have further evidence of Actual Bi-ness. Also, start going to Pride Festivals etc. As with f/f fiction, it fills a hole I didn't realise was there.
2014, 34: Very comfortable identifying as bi. My romantic and aesthetic attractions to men, women, and non binary people are all about equivalent on average, but not identical. Am still a bit "????" imagining myself having sex with anyone other than Cam. Feel deep connection with queer/mogaii etc-ness, even if not always with the community.
no subject
Date: 2014-09-20 03:50 am (UTC)But I'm really glad that meeting more women / finding femslash / talking more about social justice etc. has helped you so much. I wonder what my own timeline will look like, I didn't even *hear* the world bisexual until I was about 19 years old, and at that moment it was like 'holy hell this thing can *exist?*' - before that I like 'tried' to be straight and 'tried' to be gay and mostly failed at both, lol.
But ahhh I think it's so awesome that you're so much more comfortable identifying as bi and talking about it, especially given all the experiences you've had.
no subject
Date: 2014-09-24 04:26 am (UTC)Yeah fluidity definitely seems to be way more common than it's presented as! And I'm glad you got something out of the post.
no subject
Date: 2014-09-20 01:08 pm (UTC)But I've also found that the tendency to crushes has waxed and waned as well (at different rates to characteristics I'm attracted to).
I've come to 'I'm attracted to minds, not genitals' as my default position. It is just that the most common kind of minds I'm attracted to tends to come from having been socialised as female with a side order of considered feminist thought,
no subject
Date: 2014-09-24 04:01 am (UTC)Yeah fluidity seems to be much more the norm than it is usually presented.
I've never cared much about genitals, just presentation. I usually know if I'm attracted to someone well before I know what they look like naked :)
no subject
Date: 2014-09-22 11:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-09-24 03:57 am (UTC)Yeah the kids at my school were very aware of sex, generally as a gross funny thing to use for insults and jokes. At one point a bunch of girls played "lesbian hospital" where we all pretended to be lesbian nurses and pretended to make out with each other and the one boy who was allowed to join in as a doctor we all swooned over. (He grew up to be very very gay haha. And everyone seemed pretty accepting of it, a lot of the homophobia was very performative). Yet somehow I managed to remain MASSIVELY UPTIGHT and couldn't even say the word "sex" without blushing until I was like 20 (eg some time after I started doing it).
As for AIDS, well, we had adverts like this.
no subject
Date: 2014-09-25 01:20 pm (UTC)Oh, did you show me that advert in my "shit TV/school used to freak kids out with" post on Threads? Good lord, that's creepy. My Commie upbringing was 300% gentler and happier than the stuff you (culturally) Western kids got, I swear.